*Trigger warning - pregnancy loss*

Written by Michelle McNeill

What does someone with depression look like? They can ask how your wedding plans are coming along or dote over your newborn baby. They may crack jokes in the canteen or help you move a trolley in the factory. They might go to work every day with a smile on their face and socialise with their family and friends at the weekend, or they may be withdrawn, irritable and tense. 

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Truthfully, everyone who suffers from depression will look and act differently. Depression can often go unseen, unrecognised and undiagnosed for many years. Many of us will feel down from time to time, but when this feeling lasts for a few weeks or more or if it becomes recurrent you may find that you have depression. For some it can be passed through generations of family members and therefore they may already be aware of its symptoms. For others that cloud can appear with no warning or gradually after a traumatic event in their life that leaves them feeling lost. Sometimes it can be due to the daily stresses and challenges that life brings and occasionally there is just no reason for it.

Mine happened a few months after I suffered a miscarriage. It was October 2016 and I should have been ten weeks pregnant at the time. We went for a scan and we were told that the embryo had stopped developing at six weeks. I will forever remember that moment. My husband sat beside me with his head in his hands and I lay there staring at the empty black and white scan with tears streaming down my cheeks, unable to say or do anything. Our hopes and dreams were shattered with the sentence “the pregnancy isn’t viable”.

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I have experienced grief before. I have felt the pain of losing family members and friends both young and old, but for me, this was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. Just to be clear, I am not making a general statement that it was worse than losing someone you love, I’m simply saying that this affected me more than anything I had faced previously. I felt physically and emotionally drained for some time after. I was shocked and angry. I wanted answers as to why it had happened and in doing so I started to question myself. Was it because I was stressing over that work event? Should I have walked past the paint lines? Maybe I shouldn’t have lifted those boxes while moving house. I now know that I didn’t do anything wrong. It was just one of those sad, unfortunate things that happens to one in four people, and usually with no explanation.

Grieving the death of a loved one is one of life’s biggest challenges and people will experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions. The NHS Choices website explains, “People react in different ways to grief and loss. Anxiety and helplessness often come first. Anger is also common. Sadness often comes later. Feelings like these are a natural part of the grieving process.”

Counselling help

The grieving process after a miscarriage is similar but it is difficult to understand if you haven’t experienced it. There was nothing to bury so how can I grieve? The minute you find out you are expecting though, a bond forms with that unborn baby and the loss is very real. It took me a while to come to terms with it and I still remember the dates clearly.

I threw myself back into work and although I struggled at the beginning, I started to feel a bit better as the days and weeks passed. Soon it was Christmas and I joined in the festivities with everyone else, but on Christmas day surrounded by my family, I started to feel low. On New Year’s Eve, I counted in the bells with all of my friends and burst into tears when I reached number one.

As the weeks went on I noticed myself gradually feeling more and more down. I started to feel tired all the time even though I was sleeping longer than usual. I had a fuzzy head every day and found it difficult to concentrate. I comfort ate and started to gain weight. Outside of work I was emotional, I felt numb and I started having aches and pains that weren’t normally there. I hardly spoke to my husband in the evenings, I stopped doing any exercise or housework and I became very withdrawn in social situations, which was completely out of character for me. In work, I was my normal self, albeit slightly more irritable than usual. It was as if I was wearing a mask. I thought I was ill and went to the doctors to get tests done. It was at this stage I discovered that I was suffering from depression following a traumatic event. I had no idea and it felt very strange to hear the diagnosis from a medical professional. Only two days earlier my mum had asked me if I was depressed and I shrugged it off and told her I wasn’t.

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At first, I was surprised. I’m a very open person and I have never been shy or scared about discussing personal circumstances or issues with family and friends, so when I suffered the miscarriage I spoke to them about it. I told them how I was feeling and it really helped me to cope with my grief, but I did stop talking to them a couple of months after that. I didn’t want to burden them anymore with my feelings. I didn’t want them thinking “isn’t she over that yet?” but I realise now that these were thoughts and words I was putting into my own head. My family and friends were always there to listen.

In a way, it was a relief to have a diagnosis. I finally knew why I hadn’t been feeling myself and I could do something about it. That day I called the free 24-hour counselling service offered through work and I was surprised at how easy it was to speak to a stranger about my loss. The telephone counsellor made me feel at ease and asked me a few questions before referring me to a counsellor near my home who I could talk to face to face. Sometimes there is a stigma around seeking help from a medical professional to improve your mental health, but it is just the same as going to a doctor to treat an injury or illness. According to Mind, the mental health charity, depression shares the same statistics as miscarriage in that one in four people will experience it at some point in their lives. It is nothing that anyone should feel ashamed about. On the same day, I also registered again with my local gym and pushed myself to book some exercise classes.

A few weeks later, my mood had already lifted. I still had days or moments when I felt low or when that cloud resurfaced, but the 6 weeks of counselling and regular self-care continued to improve how I was feeling. It is now over 4 years later, I have 2 beautiful boys aged 3 and 1 and I am thankful that I haven’t experienced depression since. If I can offer any advice to anyone suffering from depression or any mental health concern it would be to talk to someone, whether that is someone close to you or someone you don’t know. I’m not saying it will be a quick fix, and I know many people suffering with mental health issues also need support in the form of medication, but speaking to someone is a start and may help to lighten the load. You may be aware of the saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ and for me, talking to a counsellor lifted that weight off my shoulders. The important thing to remember is that you’re not alone.

 

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What are the symptoms of depression?

Depression varies from person to person, however, there are some common symptoms to look out for. All of these symptoms can be part of life’s normal lows but if you are experiencing quite a few of them at the same time or if they are lasting longer than a few weeks, then you could be dealing with depression.

 

How you might feel How you might behave
Down, upset or tearful Avoiding social events and activities you usually enjoy
Restless, agitated or irritable Self-harming or suicidal behaviour
Guilty, worthless and down on yourself Finding it difficult to speak or think clearly
Empty and numb Loss of libido
Isolated and unable to relate to other people Difficult in remembering or concentrating on things
Finding no pleasure in life or things you would normally enjoy Using more tobacco or alcohol than usual
A sense of unreality Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
No self-confidence or self-esteem Feeling tired all the time
Hopeless and despairing No appetite and losing weight, or eating too much and gaining weight
Suicidal Physical aches and pains with no obvious physical cause
  Moving very slowly, or being restless and agitated. 
   

 

If you think you might be suffering from depression it is important that you seek help from your GP. The sooner you see a doctor, the sooner you can be on the road to recovery.

 

The following organisations may also be able to help:

Mind
The mental health charity
mind.org.uk

Samaritans
Making sure there’s always someone there for anyone who needs someone.
samaritans.org

 

If you or anyone you know has suffered a pregnancy loss the following organisations offer advice and support:

The Miscarriage Association
miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Tommy's
tommys.org